I’ve only gone and redone my introduction thingy

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I’ve had a bit of a blogging mojo malfunction of late, so I thought one way of kickstarting my writing would be to rewrite the introduction bit. Here y’go…

First of all, welcome to my little corner of the interweb. Seriously, welcome. C’mon, let’s hug it out. No? Okay then, how about we start off with a clumsy handshake and work our way up from there?

Born to Plod is a blog that is supposedly about running but, as you may have already found out, tends to quickly spiral into the disjointed ramblings of a man who watched far too much TV as a child and who now, at the age of 39, still puts Transformers on his letter to Santa every year. I wouldn’t say I have a tendency to wander off-topic, it’s more a case of strapping myself into a pair of rocket skates and screaming off-topic at nine trillion miles per hour, blasting pedestrians with my Nonsense CannonTM as I go.

Anyway, introductions. I’ll go first, seeing as how you’re still busy wondering whether “Nonsense Cannon” is a euphemism.

My name’s Colin, and I started running fourteen years ago when I was chased through Coventry city centre by an enraged sloth that’d escaped from a travelling circus. While fleeing, I banged my head on a low branch and the resulting concussion made me forget how to stop running, so I’ve been doing it ever since.

Sorry, that was a lie.

My name’s Jo Pavey. I’m a world class athlete and in my spare time I like to knit tiny bobble hats for homeless owls.

Nope, still not true. Sorry about that.

I was going to tell you that I am in fact Professor Doombringer, and when I’m not taking part in my local parkrun, I like to terrorise the East coast of America with my weather machine and my army of killbots. But I won’t, because that’d just be silly.

The ever-so-slightly less exciting truth is that I’m Jay, an English chap in my late thirties who started running in 2010, back when everyone travelled by donkey and the internet consisted of just two pages (both handwritten)1. Up until then, my only real experience of running had been decades ago, back in secondary school where I’d once had 1500 metres of clumsy-legged shame inflicted on me. My memory is usually pretty shocking but I’ve always remembered that afternoon as clearly as if it were yesterday; thirteen long minutes of wheezy pubescent hell, punctuated by the PE teacher helping me along with a cheery  mantra of “What’s the matter with you Watts? You’re a bloody embarrassment! You make me sick!”

Funnily enough, they never tried to get me to run again after that. I don’t think defibrillators were widely available back then, so it was probably for the best.

And that was it for me and running. We didn’t speak again for years after that, or even acknowledge one another’s existence. I knew that people ran, but I couldn’t even begin to fathom why anyone would do it for fun. As far as I was concerned, the only valid reason for running would be if I was in imminent danger of being eaten by dingoes, and even then I’d have to carefully weigh up the pros and cons of each option before breaking into anything quicker than a petulant saunter.

And so it continued, until a few years ago when I finally realised I needed to undo some of the damage caused by a lifestyle that consisted mainly of sausage rolls, biscuits and having a nice sit down. I laced up my pair of ancient Generic Fitness Shoes and out I went, grumbling all the way.

The first couple of months saw me going out once or twice a week and slowly dragging myself to the end of the road and back while making a noise like a waterlogged accordion. The next couple of months followed exactly the same pattern. The months after that were the same, except by then I’d got hold of some proper running kit, so if I keeled over during my epic 1.4 mile route, people would at least know that it was due to the exercise rather than just automatically assuming that I’d choked while gorging myself on battenburg.  In the years that followed, I stuck with it, which came as a massive surprise to a lot of people, especially me. It didn’t take me long to realise that, as a runner, I was destined for mediocrity, and this is something I’ve always been comfortable with. At any race, the middle of the pack is the place to be. There are usually plenty of sweets, the people there take it seriously but not too seriously, and there’s usually a good chance you can have a nice chat with someone dressed as a womble.

As for the blog, it started back in 2011, around six months after I started running. It had dawned on me that during my (still painful) runs, my head had a tendency to fill up with stuff. For reasons that I honestly don’t recall, I decided that I should share this nonsense with the world and so I signed up for a WordPress account. The rest is history. In truth, I owe a lot to this silly little blog. I enjoy writing it as much as I enjoy running (and, despite all my grumbling, I bloody love running), but I think that at some point over the last few years I would’ve ended up stopping doing one of those things if it weren’t for the other. The running gives me something to blog about, and the blogging gives me another reason to lace up my trainers and run. It’s the opposite of a vicious circle; a salubrious octagon perhaps2.

While I question the sanity of the sort of person who’d choose to read this stuff, I’m genuinely glad that people do seem to enjoy it. Having said that, I’d definitely carry on writing the thing even if nobody else read it, both as an outlet for the tangled ball of wool that passes for my thought process, and as something to look back on when I’m old, grey and, presumably, wetting myself  with merry abandon every chance I get.

So thanks for reading my humble blog. I really do hope you enjoy it. If you fancy a chinwag about running, jogging or the joys of chocolate milk, there should be a contact thingy at the top of the screen somewhere (but to save you looking all the way up there, you can just get me on the twitter)

Bye!

Jay

Now go and buy a T-shirt.

1 I’m as good at history as I am at running.
2 Yes, I know that an octagon isn’t the opposite of a circle, but what is? The most accurate thing I could come up with was “no circle”, and that doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue. Anyway, “octagon” is a much more fun word. It’s jolly.
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6 thoughts on “I’ve only gone and redone my introduction thingy

  1. I love the idea of nonsense cannon. I may have been struck with it when giving my idea of a giant kangaroo and a giant rabbit in a boxing match to encourage people to leave a rave. But I digress …. great bit of writing and I for one fully enjoy your random mind (possibly because I like knowing other people are out there that think like that!)

    • Cheers Sharon. I have visions of hundreds of ravers all reaching for the LSD, just to level them out a bit and invoke a sense of normality.

  2. Aww, big hugs. >;-)
    I’ve run with many a fancy dress character, but not a running womble; what’s wrong with me? Have I run the wrong races? How can I complete my cartoon character checklist?

    • You could eat some hallucinogenic mushrooms before a parkrun. Hey presto! A lovely 5k while surrounded by the likes of He-Man, Uncle Bulgaria and Mr Snuffleupagus.

      …and possibly Micky Mouse with his face melting off and tons of wasps coming out of where his eyes should be.

      So probably not a good idea after all.

  3. I got me one of these t-shirts, Its all blue which im sure makes me faster, certainly faster than the guy on it at the end who is hunched over, I’m pretty sure thats my only t-shirt with a picture of me on it.. being sick after a race

    • You’re my first customer! Whooooo!!!! The hunched over figure is actually a top athlete (not sure who, but my sis-in-law who did the design saw a photo and turned them into a silhouette), so you actually rock.

      What d’you think of the shirt in terms if quality and delivery time? It’s early days so I’m keen for any feedback.

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