Product test: Mr Lacy “Runnies”

(This post follows on from this one here)

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I don’t understand it.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve experimented with different knots, I’ve tried them in different shoes, I spent hours trawling the internet for an instruction manual.

But nothing.

I just can’t for the life of me get these things to work. I must be doing something wrong. For some reason, in the three days since I switched from my regular laces to Runnies, my running doesn’t seem to have improved at all.

There doesn’t seem to be anywhere to put batteries, and I don’t really want to try poking around in them too much in case I disrupt the delicate hydrophobic resonance. I tried whispering magical incantations to them, but that didn’t work. I even asked a local vicar if he’d bless them for me, but he just gave me a funny look and backed away slowly. Nothing I did seemed to make them work.
Look, I know this will sound crazy, but it was almost as if they were just ordinary laces.

But as we all know, mere ordinary laces couldn’t possibly take an athlete’s performance To The Next Level. I’m sorry I don’t have more to report. When I reverentially lifted the laces from their packet and tied them for the first time, my mind swam with possibilities. I honestly thought that this blog post would see me boasting about how I’d bagged myself a 3-minute mile or run three Marathon Des Sables’ back-to-back. I’m so sorry, dear reader, I feel as if I’ve failed you.

Anyway, I’d love to stop and chat, but I’ve just taken delivery of a sack of enchanted gravel that’s guaranteed to boost my VO2 Max by 20% and make me irresistible to the opposite sex.

Byyyyye.

PS: I know that this blog post says more about my own pedantic stupidity than it does about Mr Lacy’s product. They’re actually nice enough looking laces, and I wish that their marketing people had just said “why not brighten up your running shoes with some nice new laces” rather than pitching them as the next big revolution in sports technology.

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7 thoughts on “Product test: Mr Lacy “Runnies”

  1. I have an enchanted hammer that makes you 5% better at driving easy nails in. Won’t help you a bit on the difficult ones, which makes it hard to prove, but I can totally promise you it will take your (easy) hammering to The Next Level.

    Did I mention the seeds I have that may produce a magic beanstalk? They might instead produce some actual normal bean stalks, or perhaps I’ve just magically turned you into a giant? Izzy whizzy, let’s get bizzy!

  2. The only running shoes knot you’ll ever need is the Fell Runners Knot. Unfailingly brilliant. Won’t make you any faster or better or take you to the next level, but will stop your laces coming undone.

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