Mr Motivator

A chat today with my little buddy Becky (@beckdilley) made me realise that there’s a gap in the market just dying to be filled. Runners are often faced with hurdles* that threaten to keep us from our favourite pastime, or at least hinder it in some way, but there’s usually something out there that can overcome it.

Fatigue? Take your pick from the cornucopia of gels, bars and energy drinks available.

Chafing? Bodyglide, Vaseline or compression gear will sort that out in a jiffy (although they’ll also mark you out as a little bit of a pervert to the untrained eye)

Darkness? Can I interest you in a head torch, sir?

But I couldn’t think of any product out there that can help with the ultimate nemesis of even the most dedicated runner…

Lack of motivation.

Because all the fancy running shoes, technical gear and pills and potions in the world won’t be a damn bit of use to you if they’re all stuffed in a box under the bed, while you struggle to summon that little spark of mojo needed to actually get out there and run. I’m sure we’ve all at some point been able to relate to the old adage “the hardest part of any run is getting through the front door”. This is especially true if you’ve lost your keys or can’t reach the handle, but less true if the run involved fighting off a pack of hungry wolves while nursing a pulled hamstring and armed only with a rolled up copy of Practical Lederhosen Weekly.

So anyway, I commissioned a crack team of designers, ergonomists and marketing experts** and would like to unveil my latest invention…

As you can see, the Motivatron 7000 (so-called because it’s 7000 times more awesome than a million universes) is brimming with features. These include:

  • Bag of spicy chicken from a popular Portuguese restaurant chain, dangled tantalisingly out of reach to encourage forward motion.
  • Robust unicyclical barrow-themed transport platform. Made out of the same stuff NASA use to make space shuttle wings. Or aluminium, we haven’t decided yet.
  • Flame design, for enhanced speediness.
  • DVD player showing the training montage from Rocky IV on a constant loop***.

Clearly, the only problem faced by the proud owner of a Motivatron 7000 would be how to stop running****. Well, and how to start running too, because while the thing’s clearly pretty good at keeping you going once you start off, it needs a bit of a kick start to begin with. It’s a bit of a work in progress, but I’m thinking that the solution might involve attaching a soft fluffy kitten or some bubblewrap to the handlebars so that people just can’t resist getting hold of it, at which point the steel clamps fasten around their wrists and away they go.

Did I not mention the clamps?

Oh.

There are clamps.

Anyway, expect to see the Motivatron 7000 in the shops by Christmas, followed shortly afterwards by the Motivatron XT, which is pretty much the same thing but in yellow, and with 60% more excitement.

I have far too much time on my hands.

J

 

Twitter me @borntoplodblog

 

* Not literally. That’d make them hurdlers.
** Who I promptly sacked and replaced with myself, a two litre bottle of Dr Pepper and a cavalier attitude to cutting-and-pasting.
*** Although this isn’t the best training montage of all time. Everyone knows that that accolade belongs to the 1986 classic “No Retreat, No Surrender”. Some beyond-shoddy Born to Plod merchandise will be winging its way to the first three people to agree with me.
**** I’m being serious. We saw some truly horrendous injuries during the product testing phase. It was like to opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, but with slightly more twisted, smouldering bits of wheelbarrow.
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2 thoughts on “Mr Motivator

  1. Tell me there’s a Premium Mounting Accessory that allows you to swap out the chicken for buns and I’m there.

    Would love to agree with you on the montage thing, just to see this alleged “merchandise”, but alas I have absolutely no clue, so let’s say I have faith in your opinion, you’ve never done me wrong on outlandish claims to date.

    If it’s a “Born to Plod” t-shirt, can I ask for a motivational message on the back that says “If you’re reading this message you have a reading age of at least 5 years. Well done”? I feel there’s too much concentration on the physical side of running and not enough on the scholarly skills required.

    Suitably motivated by your post, I’m off to Parkrun…

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